


Feminine Grace

by transparentTemptation



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: Abusive Parents, Cat Cafés, Developing Relationship, F/M, First Dates, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Jealousy, Love Triangles, Other, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, how am i supposed to tag fics i'm so bad at this, this is self indulgent as hell but i swear it's good
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:43:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8470777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transparentTemptation/pseuds/transparentTemptation
Summary: Okabe can't help but remember.





	1. "Kurisu, I-"

**Author's Note:**

> I use she/her pronouns for Ruka throughout this fanfic, because I see her as a trans girl. However, this takes place in a worldline where Ruka is male after her D-Mail has been undone, so Okabe and everyone else will use he. Or gradually shift throughout, depending on the direction this fanfic goes.

“Kurisu, I-”

A knock at the door interrupted the tender moment, drawing their gaze. They exchanged a look as Okabe went to open it, the metal of the knob cold compared to Makise’s flushed cheek.

Ruka was standing in the hall outside the lab, hands clutched behind her back, holding something. What, he couldn’t quite tell.

“Ruka! What a- pleasant surprise.”

“Hi Okabe.” Her eyelashes fluttered as she tried not to look him in the eyes. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

He shot Makise a glance and she nodded. “No, of course not. Come on in.”

“Thank you.” She entered deftly, spinning to hide her back from Okabe’s view. A single flower bud fell to the floor. “Oh, hi Makise, I didn’t know you were here.”

“Good to see you, Ruka.”

“So,” Okabe began, “what brings you to our humble laboratory?”

“Well, um,” her eyes turned to the floor. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Hm? What’s that?”

“I- well- I- I was…”

“Out with it now, we can’t afford to have lab members keeping things from each other.”

“I was hoping you would go on a date with me!” With head bowed and eyes squeezed shut, she revealed a brilliant bouquet.

Okabe recoiled away in shock.  _ What world line am I in?  _ “I- But I’m- And you’re-”

The flowers fell to her side and tears welled in her eyes. “I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I’ll just go now.”

_ Remember how different things might have been. _

He again looked to Makise, who responded with another, smaller nod.

“Wait!” He put his hand on Ruka’s shoulder as she turned to the door. “You know, I didn’t decline.”

She met his gaze, mouth agape. 

“I have been… busy at the lab lately, but I suppose I could find time for a date.”

“Really!? Oh, Okabe, thank you!” She wrapped her arms around him, pressing herself tightly into his chest.

_ Delicate as an orchid, fair as a cherry blossom... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First semester of school just ended so I'm hoping to have more time to work on this fic. Look forward to an update! Thanks for the support :D


	2. "Where were we?"

The door closed with a click following the acceptance of flowers and a brief promise to send a text later to work out the details. Okabe exhaled deeply as he turned back to Kurisu.

“So, where…”

“... were we?” finished Makise. “I think that went out the window when you accepted a date with another girl.”

“Another girl? Clearly you're mistaken. Ruka is of…”

“‘... the masculine variety?’” she mimed in Okabe’s voice.

“I'm fully capable of finishing my own sentences, you know. Assistant or not, I can manage that.”

“First of all, not your assistant. Second, I don't understand how a supposed scientist could be so far from such a simple hypothesis.”

“I'm not sure I follow.”

“You know what, never mind, Point is, you accepted a date while we were…”

“While we were…?”

“Nothing. While we were nothing.”

“Well, what else did you want me to do?  _ You’re  _ the one who nodded when I looked at you.”

Makise’s cheeks went red, with anger rather than flusterment. “I- I don’t know! Tell her-  _ him _ \- no?”

Okabe sighed and stared across the room at nothing in particular. “It’s more complicated than that.”

She looked into his eyes, but he didn’t meet her gaze. “More complicated? More complicated  _ how? _ “ 

“Complicated in the same way everything else right now is complicated.”

“What? You mean worldlines, time travel?”

“Yes ‘worldlines, time travel.’ You could at least act like you don’t think it’s ridiculous.”

It was Kurisu’s turn to sigh. “Look, you know it’s hard for me to believe.”

No response.

“I’m sorry, alright? It just… doesn’t feel any more real than a dream.”

“I almost wish it had been.”

“Almost?”

“Yes, almost.” He placed his hands on Makise’s shoulders and looked around the lab before locking eyes with her. “But not quite.”

“I- uh- how about we go grab dinner and you can tell me what happened with Ruka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind me, just blowing the dust off this old fanfic now that S;G 0 is here.


	3. "So..." "Ruka."

Their usual cafe (that is, slightly less usual than May Queen Nyan-nyan) was as quaint and greasy as ever, but the significance of the conversation he was imminently expected to have weighed heavy on Okabe. It was the kind of conversation he’d already had in one form or another in more worldlines than he could count, but now he found himself past the divergence barrier, where that conversation was harder than ever.

They each ordered their usuals. God, everything was so usual that it hurt.

Well, almost everything.

“So…” Kurisu prompted.

“So…”

“Ruka.”

“Yes, he is indeed the topic at hand.” Okabe was playing coy and he knew it. Truthfully, he had no idea where to even start describing everything that had happened. Without much of a thought, what seemed like the most relevant detail came tumbling out of his mouth. “We went on a date.”

Kurisu nearly spit out the sip of water she was taking. “You did!?”

“In a worldline where he was female, yes.”

“How did that happen?”

“It was his condition for allowing me to change him back.”

“Change him back?”

“Yes, change him back. We allowed him to send a D-Mail back to before his birth telling his mother to eat more vegetables while pregnant.”

“Surely you don’t mean to tell me that old wives’ tale is true?”

“True enough that it made Ruka a full-fledged girl, yes.”

“I see…”

Okabe was leaving out details. He knew that, and he feared Kurisu knew there was a reason. Memories of his past blunders ran through his mind: a hand groping across Ruka’s body, a less-than calculated attempt at telling Ruka she really had been a dude, and, more than anything, a seemingly endless cascade of tears streaming down Ruka’s face.

More than Kurisu knowing, he feared that Ruka still knew. That memories of his assault on her body and her sense of self were still flitting about at the edges of Ruka’s consciousness, at random moments when she looked at Okabe and in dreams.

_In nightmares._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just on a roll, really liking the short chapter style for this fic and I hope y'all do too!


	4. A Spark

She was so nervous she was so happy she was so nervous she was so happy she was so nervous she was so-

_ Okay, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down. _

Ruka felt as though she may faint.

She had only barely made it down the stairs from Okabe’s apartm- the Future Gadgets Laboratory when she had to sit down on the steps, her legs threatening to give out underneath her. 

Her thoughts were a blur, a chaotic mess of exuberance and anxiety.  _ He said yes he said yes he said yes. _ She felt as though she needed to jump for joy, and also slightly like she needed to throw up. 

The girl working at the CRT shop downstairs - Moeka was her name, right? - was outside, having stopped sweeping up to stare at the seemingly-crazy seemingly-girl alternating between bouncing her legs up and down while smiling giddily and hyperventilating with her face buried in her hands. Ruka accidentally made eye contact and CRT girl immediately dropped her gaze to the ground and resumed her repetitive motion with the broom.

A brief flicker of self-consciousness brought Ruka back to her feet and walking to the shrine, but any stress caused by embarrassing herself in front of a near-stranger was quickly snuffed out by the even more overwhelming thought that she had  _ not  _ embarrassed herself in front of Okabe. It took all her self-control to prevent her jubilance from allowing her to skip all the way back home.

Sure, some people she walked past looked on in confusion as she smiled quietly and occasionally giggled to herself, but for once in her life, she didn’t care.

She didn’t care.

She didn’t care what they thought, because she had a date with  _ Okabe Rintarou.  _ The mere thought was thrilling, in that it was both terrifying and exciting, as it had been ever since it first occurred to her soon after he had rescued her from those creeps taking pictures.

It was when Ruka walked in front of the cool breeze of a fan back in her room at the shrine that she realized she had been sweating a bit more than was reasonable for the weather.

She’d have to take a shower.

She’d have to take  _ another  _ shower, despite already forcing herself through one that morning.

But it would be fine. A small price to pay for a date with Okabe Rintarou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am being so productive at writing lately oh my god.


	5. The Key to a Purrfect First Date

“‘The key to making your first date the first of many is to put your best foot forward.’ Ugh, this book is just as useless as last time.”

“What, you’ve read it before? I didn’t think you’d have any reason to.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Hey!” Kurisu  _ hmph _ ed.

“And no, I haven’t, you have. Last time I went through this ordeal you read it to me.”

“You mean to tell me you’re so hopeless at dating you’ve used the same advice book in multiple worldlines?”

“I’m not sure why, considering how things went last time.”

She laughed. “Well, at least you didn’t let her get hit by a car.”

Okabe looked up at Kurisu, who was absentmindedly browsing @chan. “What did you just say?”

She turned from her seat at the computer. “At least you didn’t let her get hit by a car?”

“Seems you remember more from other worldlines than you let on, assistant.”

“Wait, how do I remember something that happened on  _ your  _ date?”

“You and Daru trailed us the entire time.”

“Why on earth did we do that?”

“Apparently to text me when I was about to screw up. It was your idea. You practically dragged Daru along.”

“Well, now that you mention it, that doesn’t sound like a half bad idea.”

“You’re only saying that because now you know it’s your idea.”

“Am not!”

“Are too. Besides, I’m not going to try to stop you if you want to do it again. I’m confident that would be a futile effort.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“Oh yeah? Well, just for that comment, you’re on your own.”

“Oh, is that really-”

The sound of the door opening and a high-pitched “Tu-tu-ruuuu” interrupted Okabe’s retort. 

_ -the only reason? _

Mayuri practically danced into the room. “I heard Okarin has a daaaate.”

“Wha-? Who told you?” Okabe stammered.

“Ruka did! He’s really excited!” 

“You don’t find it… strange… at all?”

Mayuri seemed confused. “Strange?” She smiled in that way of hers. “No way, I think it’s super cute! What are you two gonna do?”

“To be honest, I haven’t the faintest clue.”

“Ooh, I met this really sweet cat that was lost and helped him find his way home. He lives at a cafe called Ulala, you should go there!”

“A cat cafe? Why-”

“You know, that’s actually a really good idea,” Kurisu interjected, fruitlessly trying to stop the impending rant.

“And spend the afternoon surrounded by felines!? They’re nothing more than furry spies for the Organization! We might as well hand all of our secrets directly to them!”

“Secrets like the fact that you somehow have a date?”

“Precisely! They can’t know I’m distracted even for a moment or they will take their chance to strike!”

“Ah, yes, that would explain why they raided the lab the other day while you and Daru were busy playing  _ eroge _ .”

“We were not simply playing, we were ‘let’s playing’ to raise research funds for our experiments! Had you not interrupted, we would have cornered the entire online video market using my sharp wit alone.”

“Okarin, if you don’t like cats, you could go somewhere else. What about a shrine?” questioned Mayuri, not concerned with whatever inappropriate game Kurisu was referring to.

“No, no, we’ll go. Ruka spends enough time at a shrine as it is, and it could be a chance to do some valuable counterintelligence work.” He paused, dropping the mad scientist persona. “Besides, it’s not like I have a better idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okabe and Daru playing eroge is a reference to my friend's fanfic that isn't yet on AO3, I'll link it here when he posts it.
> 
> EDIT: As promised, my friend's fic: [Lets;Play](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14368692)


	6. Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for parental abuse and homophobic language

Ruka lay on the floor, defeated, the cool evening breeze coming through her window gently ruffling her hair. She had heard her phone go off while she was in the shower, and instantly her heart was aflutter with the chance it was Okabe. Entirely sure he had already arranged a wonderful date, she abandoned her plans to remove the chipping nail polish on her toes and hastily got out of the shower. Still dripping wet and with only a towel around her waist, she bounded down the hall to her room and flipped open the phone.

_ I’m going to the store, do you need anything? _

It was a text from her mother.

She kicked the door shut, locked it, and collapsed onto the floor. The only sign of time passing as she laid effectively motionless, lost in scattered thought, was the waning sunlight. 

Finally, she checked the time. 19:42 - a number which would be slightly more useful if Ruka had any clue when she had first laid down. It was just occuring to her that maybe she should eat something when she heard her father’s footsteps approaching.

He jostled the knob, then knocked. “Ruka, are you alright?”

“Fine,” she answered in monotone.

“Why is your door locked?”

“I just finished showering.”

“Your mother says you’ve been in there for hours.”

“Oh.”

He sighed, “Come on, I brought home dinner.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Somehow, miraculously, Ruka worked up the resolve to get off the floor. She absentmindedly put on some pajamas (it wasn’t as if she was going to accomplish anything else that day) and trudged her way to the dinner table, where a bowl of ramen awaited her.

Her dad smiled weakly. “I know  _ shoyu  _ isn’t your favorite, but I couldn’t remember which you like more.”

“It’s alright, really. Thank you.”

“Ruka?”

She visibly tensed up. “Yes, mother?”

“What is that on your toes?”

“Uh…” Ruka realized she had completely forgotten to put socks on, as she usually did to hide the color adorning her toenails.

“Well!?”

“It’s…”

Ruka’s dad attempted to diffuse the situation. “Dear, it’s okay, let’s calm down.”

“I am calm.” Her words were pointed.

“It’s nail polish,” Ruka answered quietly, staring down at the floor.

“It’s what?”

“Nail polish, ma’am.”

“Better. Now, take it off.”

Something stirred inside her - a new sense of resolve, perhaps, or simply years of pent-up frustration. “No.”

“What did you say to me!?”

“I said _ no! _ ” There was a fire in Ruka’s eyes now, one unfamiliar to even her.

Her mother only scoffed. “Fine, suit yourself. If you’re going to be a faggot like your dad wants, go ahead.” With that, she left, abandoning her dinner at the table as she retreated into the back of the house.

The fire in Ruka’s eyes was gone. Her father sat next to her in stunned silence as she broke down into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all probably thought you were gonna get a silly date chapter but nope, this shit is getting real. Writing this made me feel very, very weird.


	7. "You’re on your own."

The door of the Future Gadget Lab burst open. “Hell yes!”

“Are you trying to get me kicked out of this place, Daru? Quiet down.”

“Dude, I won! I have a date with Faris!”

“You what? How did you pull that off?”

“That Rai-Net tournament I went to? It was the top prize. I told you this, like, just this morning.”

“Aw, now you both have a date!” Mayuri exclaimed, getting a laugh from Kurisu.

“Hell must have frozen over.”

Daru looked confused. “Wait, you have a date?” 

“Abject treason, double-oh-two! You can’t go divulging my secrets like that!”

“I’m sorry, I thought you were going to tell Daru, too.”

“Yeah, man, you can’t keep all the juicy details from me. Who with?”

“Rukako.”

“Ruka!? Damn, bonus trap points and everything!”

“Fan of traps, are we, Daru?” Kurisu mocked.

He smirked. “You know it.”

“Ugh, I wish I hadn’t asked.”

Okabe sighed. “Can we perhaps not refer to Rukako using your  _ eroge _ tropes, Daru?”

“Sorry, man, didn’t mean to insult your  _ boyfriend _ .”

“He-”

“Just going on a date doesn’t mean they’re a couple!” Kurisu shouted. 

“Whoa, alright, I’ll back off. I didn’t know you cared so much, Makise.”

She froze. “Wha- care? I don’t care! I’m just tired of you being an idiot.”

“If you say so. Anyways, Okabe, you need some hot tips for your date?”

“Considering they probably come from a hentai game, no thanks. I think can handle this on my own.”

“Don’t you want to know exactly how often to scoot closer? Or the best way to stretch so that your hand ‘accidentally’ grazes some boobage?”

“This is Ruka we’re talking about here.”

“Oh, right, that trick is kinda pointless.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that Ruka… he deserves better than being treated like that.”

“Oh come on, you choose now to pull out this nice guy shtick? You’re right on the cusp of some sweet trap-”

“Daru...” Okabe warned.

“Sorry, sweet yaoi-”

“Not much better.”

“If you don’t want my help, just say so.”

“If my memory serves, I already did.”

“Alright, you’re on your own for this one, dude.”

“Believe me, I’m well aware.”

“Nuh uh!” Mayuri interrupted. “I’ll help you, Okarin!”

“I think I can manage-” he began, useless against her enthusiasm.

“Ooh, do you know what you’re going to wear?”

He looked down at his attire: the usual grey shirt, brown pants, and lab coat. “Uh, this? Sans lab coat. Wouldn’t want to ruin its pristine cleanliness with cat fur.”

“You can’t wear that on a  _ date!  _ This has to be special for Ruka, you know!”

“And I have to dress up to make it special?”

“Hm, no, I guess not. It’ll be special enough to Ruka just because it’s you.”


	8. Click

_ Click click click click. Click. Click click click. _

Okabe was typing a text to Ruka, trying to determine how to invite her on a date to a cat cafe without sounding foolish.

_ Mayuri recommended- no, he doesn’t need to know I needed help planning this date. _

_ I was wondering if- obviously he wants to, what do I have to wonder? _

Eventually, he gave up, settling on a simple,  _ “Meet at the park near the lab, tomorrow at noon?”  _

_ Send. _

It sometimes felt odd to send a text without leaping across worldlines.

 

***

 

_ Click. _

_ Click. _

_ Click. _

The mechanism on Ruka’s floor fan was broken, clicking loudly with every rotation. The dull monotony of the repeated sound drilled into her head, but there was something comforting about its predictability.

Precise.

_ Click. _

Unvarying.

_ Click. _

Monotony.

_ Ding! _

Ruka’s eyes bolted open.  _ Okabe. _

She grabbed her phone from the nightstand, read the text, and giggled - no, laughed - from the glee.

_ 2010-09-24, 21:04 - Kyouma: Meet at the park near the lab, tomorrow at noon? _

_ Click. Click click click click click. _

_ I’ll be there! ^^  _

_ Click. _

_ Message sent. _

 

***

 

Okabe woke to a pounding on his door.

_ The hell? _ “I’ll be right there!”

Rolling over in bed, the red numbers of his alarm clock caught his attention.

11:42.

_ When meeting your date, time is of the essence. Be sure to arrive at least fifteen minutes early. _

“Wha-? Damn it all!” Nearly falling over in his rush, he put on a pair of pants - the same he’d worn yesterday - as he ranted to himself. “Hououin Kyouma, who leapt through time itself, bested by an improperly set alarm clock!”

Now clothed, he opened the front door, allowing Mayuri to burst in.

“Okarin! Did you just wake up?”

“How did you know?”

“I’ve been waiting outside for like fifteen minutes  _ and  _ your hair is all messy!”

Okabe patted the top of his head. His hair was all over the place, more so than usual. “I suppose that would give it away… wait, what are you doing here anyways?”

She held up the bag in her hand. “I’m bringing you your clothes. Remember I offered to wash them for you? I thought you could use some clean clothes for your date.”

“Oh, thanks, Mayuri. That’s quite helpful of you.”

Shoving the bag, and him with it, she shouted, “Hurry, get ready! You can’t be late to your date with Ruka!”

He still had ten minutes until noon once he had finished changing clothes, brushing his teeth, and taming his mess of hair.

“You see, dear Mayuri, a mad scientist awakes precisely when he means to.”

“Hey, you only got up because I knocked on your door!”

“Simply the will of Steins;Gate at work. Fate has ordained that this date will go flawlessly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The date is finally coming!  
> And I have no idea what I'm gonna write for it.


End file.
